FalseProphets

March M.I.A.

  March is gone.  The king is dead.  Long live the king.

  Mr. Smarty Pants grandmother passed away a few weeks ago.  She was the center of the family "universe".  And after fighting away illness for what seemed like half her life she finally succumbed.  This being a very personal issue; Mr. Smarty Pants will say little more about this wonderful woman.  The end was bittersweet but the suffering is over.

  March had Mr. Smarty Pants afflicted with the worst case of bronchitis and body aches and fevers i have ever experienced.  And it lasted the entire 4 weeks.

  March also trampled me with my 40th birthday.

March sucks.  And from here on March can suck my ass.

  Needless to say Mr. Smarty Pants has had little desire to post or do much of anything else over the last few weeks.  World events, war, poitics, tragedy, conflict...all have been buzzing around in the background like some white noise.  My world has been quite small over the last few weeks.  A world consisting only of family and a few friends.  And as is often the case when losing someone close; there comes a change in perspectives and definite changes in mood.

  None of these things have been conducive to writing though sour moods, madness and intoxication have inspired some great writers and thinkers.  So there is something to be said about these things but Mr. Smarty Pants prefers expressing himself when he is a bit more level headed and stable.

Whatever that means.

  Over the next few days i'll begin posting again, getting back in my groove and bitching to anyone who cares to listen about the world's most talked about topics.

  Things like:

Immigration, the War, the economy, Iran, and that question that has been haunting everyone from the mullah's hiding in the mountains of Pakistan with Bin Laden to the Pope as he sit's on the can:

  "Where the fuck is Natalee Holloway..?"

Ya'll come back now ya hear..??

Minutiae.

  Late Sunday morning, four coffee's later with what Mr. Smarty Pants calls the "een" breakfast.  That being caffiene, nicotine and listerine.  Exactly in that order.    My pulse rate is at about 460 bpm. so i figured let me calm myself down a bit and place a short post before i tackle the laundry that awaits (after my breakfast burger that is)

The Olympic Lames

  Is it just Mr. Smarty Pants or are these the lamest winter olympics i've ever seen.  Filled with under-achieving prima donnas who are of course the highlighted competitors.

  Michelle Kwan who never should have been in there to begin with dropped out.  At least that was done in training.

  Bode Miller couldn't handle a curve if he were the netting in a batting cage....party on Bode..!! And Jeremy Bloom....maybe he had his mind on football.

Lindsey Jacobellis thought she was back home hamming it up for the homey's.  She wasn't.  Cost her the Gold.

  Not to mention the games are cutting into all my favorite NBC shows like....umm....uhh.  Well...just Press the Meet, The McLaughlin Group, and of course "spittin'" Chris Matthews.  Ok then.  No Olympics on Sundays.

The American Dream-er.

(Soapbox please.....thanx.)

  Mr. Smarty Pants just wanted to give some of my fellow Americans a concerned pinch in the ass.  Initially i considered a concerned bitch slap to the collective face but after reconsidering decided on something a bit more subtle and more easily deniable.

Whats happening to us?  Why have we become so complacent that we allow our nation to be corrupted and mismanaged by an administration that has lied, decieved, hidden, fabricated and corrupted on almost every level of government.

  An administration that has done nothing on the issues of medicare, healthcare, social security, education, housing, social reform....etc.

  An administration that took us from a surplus less than a decade ago to a deficit that we'll be paying off when the USS Enterprise is actually a starship.

  An administration that took us to war under false pretense.

  One word:  "Katrina"

Not to mention a "Dick" who can't keep it "Straight".

  Good lord.

Wake the fuck up already...!!!

Shit..!!  i shoulda bitch slapped ya..!!

"While your saving your face, your losing your ass" Lyndon B. Johnson

Saving Face.

  Quitting the habit of smoking is a difficult task.  Take our anonymous French face transplant recipient for instance.  She's taken up smoking again.  Warming the hearts of Philip Morris execs everywhere.  Now obviously her doctors can't be too happy about this as it can dramatically effect her healing and worsens the chances of tissue rejection.  But......fuck it.  The gal needs a smoke.  And what better to do with a new set of lips and nose.  Mr. Smarty Pants can only imagine what the brain dead girl who donated her face is thinking way up in the heavens right now.  Probably sitting up on a cloud shaking her head saying "jesus christ what an idiot..!!!"  And of course being up in the clouds Jesus would respond "who you calling an idiot" To which brain dead girl would respond "not you...Frankenface down there with the Gitanes".  To which Jesus would respond "oh.  Her.  Yup she's an idiot alright.  Factory defect.  I'm gonna recall her soon.  Shit...in fact i'm gonna recall everybody and start over from scratch"

  Ok Mr. Smarty Pants got a bit carried away.  I in fact suffer from the terrible habit of smoking.  One that has persisted for over a quarter century.  But even i would have a bit more rationale under Frenchie's circumstances.  And maybe a bit more deference to the fact that "my face" isn't really "my face".  There should be some means that the face could be removed and saved for someone more worthy than a suicidal woman with someone elses face.  You don't give a new liver, or heart, or kidneys to someone who is going to go on and ruin them. Same should apply to a face. Give the girl a mask for gods sake.  It's not the end of the world.  You can make a living with a mask.  Look at Batman...or better yet The Phantom.

Eghads.

Philosophy 101

  Mr. Smarty Pants friend and colleague at work Ra the Sun God (but we'll call him Egyptoid) has been less happy with the way our jobs have changed over the years at the hospital.  Less hands on and more paperwork.  Less fullfillment, more frustration.  So a couple of days ago he started college again to persue a career in education.  He took philosphy 101 as one of his pre-reqs.  Something he had never taken before.  Mr. Smarty Pants saw him the following day at work.  He was different.  Something about him had changed.  Not his appearance but instead something that ran deeper.  It took me half the day to figure it out but when i did i confronted Egyptoid with my summation.  Egyptoid confirmed it without question.

  Egyptoid is now a Communist. (Whatever that means nowadays...)

Ahh...Communism.  Remember Communism..??  All we had to worry about were Communists.  Everything else was fine (except for the war, famine, pestilence and death).  It was a time when you knew who your enemies were and how to kill them.  Things were so simple then.  But the good old days are behind us.

  Anyway..i stared at Egyptoid for a moment, smiled and shook his hand.  Best i allow him to exist in his fairy tale land of oppression, marxism and socialism.  For soon enough he'll learn that the world just isn't that pretty anymore.  I'll let him enjoy it while he can.

Smarty sings the Blues.

  Mr. Smarty Pants has been preoccupied with the issues of life the last couple of weeks.  I've been unable to devote more time to posting as a result.  Not that i haven't tried.  Sometimes i sit before my PC with my mind a total blank as to what to write.  There are no shortage of things going on in the world.  But like the IPod...it's the same shit packaged in new forms all the time.  And after a while rehashing the same shit can seem a bit futile.  Mr. Smarty Pants is not in a bad mood or even a bad frame of mind.  But i will admit to feeling a bit frustrated sometimes.  My calls for change seem unheard.  Support for change seems fragmented and ineffective.  At times this can effect the spirit.

  Some would say i have little reason to complain.  I have a wonderful wife and family.  I never go to bed hungry and as it so happens i have a bed with a roof over it as well.  there is in fact nothing materially that i need that i don't already have.  Yet even so Mr. Smarty Pants gets the occasional feeling that he's a hamster running on a wheel...getting nowhere.  My career which was once quite satisfying and rewarding has been transformed into a corporate function filled with bottom lines and bureaucracy.  And the world..??  It's still crazy.

  How does man put up with all the madness that he causes..??  Simplemindedness.  Shortsightedness, narcissism.  By keeping our individual worlds small ie: our jobs, friends, family and screw everyone else.  By not planning on a future and living only for todays needs.  Let the future work it out.  As long as our little universes are not disrupted we could care less what goes on elsewhere.  Even though eventually this all gets back to us. but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  And when we get to it....there might not be a bridge.

Alito too much of Alito.

  Confirmation hearings for Sam Alito are going on.  Specter and Kennedy butted heads at one point today.  Theatrics.  Fun to watch but getting us nowhere.  Mr. Smarty Pants doesn't know what to believe anymore.  The Dems play off Alito as suspicious.  Meaning they're having trouble digging up dirt on him so this makes him doubly suspicious 'cause no one can be that clean.  The republicans on the other hand are praising and defending him saying he has been unfairly attacked with few chances to rebut accusations. 

  Mr. Smarty Pants would probably have nothing against him had not Bush appointed him.  Something about an incompetent lame duck illiterate endorsing someone for a very influential lifetime post that makes my skin crawl a little bit.

  But my god....after watching all that on C-Span i'm almost rooting for him.  Almost.

  But it's all theater folks.  Alito will be confirmed.  The Dems will come across as putting up a good but losing fight (though they'll look like the impotent jackasses they are by making Mrs. Alito cry on national television.  Nice job Jackass party.), the Republicans will get "their" man in the Supremes and we will all then focus our attention on Angelina having Brads baby and how that will affect us.  And as for Jen...well...she'll just keep making bad movies with good hairstyles.

If the Stock Market is doing well...

  Why aren't we..?  Have you noticed the way the markets been going since the start of the new year..??  Mr. Smarty Pants constantly hears these forecasters discussing how good the market looks and how it bodes well for the nation but exactly who in the nation does it bode well for..??  I have a 403B that's been in stasis for the last couple of years.  Nothing doing there.  Cost of living goes up but salaries go down as do benefits and jobs.  So who exactly is benefiting from wall street..??

  Mr. Smarty Pants isn't exactly sure but i've got a pretty good idea.

Hot under the Collar:

  Bishop Thomas Gumbleton of Detroit has admitted that he was molested by a Catholic priest as a ninth grader at a Detroit seminary.  Mr. Smarty Pants applauds the Bishop's efforts to have the Catholic church extend the amount of time that victims of similar crimes have to sue the church.  He also believes that the church's manner of handling these situations is inappropriate and could be done in a more humanistic and sensitive manner.  Great.

  Now...my question is how did this man decide to become a priest after that experience?  Faith..??  In God maybe...but the church..??  Umm....nope.

  Mr. Smarty Pants is a Catholic.  A believer in God.  Not in the Church.  The Church is an institution concerned more with it's own preservation than the well being of the people it purportedly serves.  Acts of benevolence by priests and nuns and the like are individual acts of goodness and rooted in true caring and the well being of others.  But these are not acts of the Church.  The church is rich beyond belief but it holds it's wealth close to itself.  On occasion during particularly intense moments of global misery; the Pope will appear at his window at the Vatican and placate the shepherdless crowds below with hollow words like "what is happening is bad. Let us be thankful that at least we here are ok for now.  Remember to pray and donate what you can to our church.  Thanks and drive home safe."

  Wow.  Powerful stuff.

The church needs some kind of catchy motto that will bring the masses to them for one reason or another.  Fill those coffers.

Something like:

  "The Catholic Church:  We're 2000+ years old.  Shit happens.  But we got some pretty buildings though..."

Yeah they do.

  Under the category "Who gives a shit." 

   Pinochet stripped of legal immunity.  He's 90.  Why did it take so long.  He's outlived the Chilean male life expectancy of 73.3 years so basically his days are numbered.  Why did it take so long to even attain the rights to punish this moron..?  He's probably not even lucid enough to appreciate either his crimes or looming punishments so where's the fun..? 

Coal Miner's Fodder.

  Last week 12 coal miners died in a mining accident in West Virginia.  For almost four days before their deaths were confirmed the media swarmed on the town of Tallmansville interviewing miners and residents asking them about their trapped loved ones and how they themselves were feeling at this moment.  One night just before Mr. Smarty Pants went to bed i heard on the news that the miners were alive.  I went to bed with a sigh and a smile and a thank you to the gods for the occasional miracle.  When i woke for work the next morning i discovered that all had died but one.  The media again sticking cameras and microphones in the faces of the distraught asking them how they were feeling, who were they angry at, how will they cope.

  Mr. Smarty Pants didn't need to hear an answer to know how these people felt.  I definitely can't understand how someone who would ask a friend or family member such a stupid question could call themselves a journalist.  It would have been best to report on the story and "leave the fuckin' people alone" as Jon Stewart suggested.  But these news jackoffs could never leave well enough alone.

  Tonite on CNN's website they headlined with a story on how close the miners were to getting out alive had they known the path was clear and that there was an air tank with additional oxygen they could have all used but instead they followed "protocol" and died as a result.

  This is not news.  It's a hypothetical.  It didn't happen that way so what's the sense in making it into a story?  It's not news.  Mr. Smarty Pants believes that in this instance CNN was only trying to make the tragedy even more tragic.  This is something that could be done with any tragic story.  It's cheap and it's tasteless.

  Good for ratings though.  Americans love tragedy.  As long as it's not them.  Can't wait till the movie comes out.

Bird Flu Hits Turkey.

Mr. Smarty Pants is waiting for Wolf Blitzer to report from his "situation room" on how Turkey could have evaded the bird flu had they only not named their country after a bird.  But nonetheless it's happened.  Turkey has the deadly strain of the bird flu thusfar resulting in 5 deaths and at least 15 documented infections.  Many of the cases resulting from kids somehow messing around with dead birds.  Kids are strange.  Don't shake their hands.

  Other than that remember: 

H5N1 is coming.

  For those who care...the puppy is great.  She is a real gem.  Mr. Smarty Pants will post pics soon.  I hate getting all mushy but this case is an exception.

Happy Thursday!

Absence makes the heart grow apathetic.

  Hiatus.  Defined as " a gap or interruption in space, time or continuity.  A break.  An interruption in the intensity or amount of something."

  Yup. mr. Smarty Pants was on hiatus.  The holidays and new year kept Dr. Pookie and I busy enough but our new puppy has definitely robbed us of both time and energy.  But in a most wonderful way.  But despite all of this Mr. Smarty Pants has been keeping an eye and ear to the world.  I use my other eye and ear to get through the day. So if any of my insights seem to lack depth or perception or depth perception for that matter....there's the reason why.

  The holiday season is interesting. The war was still going on (and is), The Bush Corporation continues to be caught in a string of lies, deceptions and assaults on our civil rights with more associates being convicted wrongdoing.  Thousands of Katrina victims still exist in a precarious limbo, their lives in the hands of the most inept agency since the Fox News Nework promoted their version of "fair and balanced".  But even with all this...the news seemed toned down.  Softened.  Pureed and spoon fed.  We're such pussies.

  Ok...got some of that out of my chest.

  One of the problems with suddenly not posting for an extended period is a series of what Mr. Smarty Pants will refer to as "symptoms".  These symptoms usually come about after 7 or more days without updating a post:

1. Guilt.  Feeling like i let my 2 or 3 readers down.  Afraid they'll never read my post again.
2. The Cycle of "Nevermind" where i think of too many topics to post about and then become so overwhelmed that i say "fuck that.  nevermind".  Thus i post nothing.
3. Loss of writing momentum.  Meaning...the loss of writing momentum.
4. The Lagging Behind Syndrome: in which every bit of news i may post about suddenly becomes obsolete.  Even though that is the nature of news.

  The whole process is actually quite difficult leaving the mind a bit frayed.  Mr. Smarty Pants has decided then to keep things short and focused in this instance until i get my engines warmed up again.

Jack be Nimble, Jack be quick, Jack got busted, Let's get some names....bitch..!"

  republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff pled guilty to two fraud charges in a Florida court.  Four other charges will be dropped in exchange for cooperation in a corruption case in which as many as 12 members of congress may be guilty of accepting bribes in exchange for legislative favors.  Jack's bribes.

  Needless to say anyone who's taken money from Jack is getting rid of it like it carried the bird flu.  guys like Bush, Delay, and senior republican lawmakers all have this extra money they need to get rid of all of a sudden 'cause it has some bad karma.

  So....Abromoff is gonna drop some names to save his ass.  Or save some of his ass.  This is gonne be good.  Something similar to the episode of "Dirty Jobs" where the cast and crew joined a husband and wife exterminator team in a cockroach infested trailer home.  Get the picture..???

  Mr. Smarty Pants doesn't want to beat another dead horse but has anyone noticed how many dead horses there are being beaten..??  I guess we're just a bit numb to it.  More on this later.

Ariel Sharon.

  Was a bit of a hothead at times.  He seemed to bent on the preservation of Israel at the expense of it's unfriendly neighbors.  This is of course understandable since the neighbors weren't all that friendly.  then over the last couple of years he mellowed a bit.  Sharon seemed to realize that Palestinians were never going away (as they shouldn't) and neither was Israel (as it shouldn't neither).  Sharon seemed to realize that bloodshed would be prolonged indefinately unless some concessions were made to the Palestinians with the ultimate goal being for them to establish their own state.  Mr. Smarty Pants found this mode of thinking quite reasonable and maybe even hopeful.

  Then Sharon had a massive stroke.  And if that's not bad enough; all he was working for hangs in the balance as his replacement doesn't seem to have the necessary backing to go on with Sharon's plan.  If this happens the chance for peace diminish and we'll all be back at square 1.

  It's a tough time to be an Israeli prime minister i tell ya.  If you don't believe Mr. Smarty Pants ask the last two PM's.

  Oh wait.  You can't.

"___ civilians killed in Iraq while ___ American troops killed by a roadside bomb today."

  The above title can be copied and pasted for use on a daily basis on all news media to illustrate graphically the daily successes of the war in Iraq.  the criteria to measure these successes not yet understandable to Mr. Smarty Pants especially when 134 civilians were killed today along with 5 American troops.  Were something like this not happening on a daily basis (in smaller and larger scales) it might be considered as...ummm..oh....let's say..."the cost of war and freedom."

  Except...it's happening every fuckin' day.  Every fuckin' day.  And this is when things are going well.  Imagine if they weren't going well..??

Yup.  Scary.

So much is always happening.  So much to say.  Remind me to do a puppy blog with pictures and stuff.  Ok maybe not.  I'll have to mull it over.

It's Beginning to look a lot like (Politically correct term Here.)

  Mr. Smarty Pants has had a change in sleep patterns.  I think it has something to do with being married.  I've been getting to bed earlier.  Sometimes i don't even make it to Letterman.  I find myself waking up approx. 2 minutes before my alarm goes off (which is at 6 am.).  The scary part is i'm getting to work on time if not earlier.  For this there is no explanation.  But i'll make sure to keep you informed of any developments with this situation.  i've also been riding the subway this week for the first time in about 8 months.  Looming snow, icy morning streets and bitter cold have made me a bit more rational.  Plus it's good to experience how the "little people" get around.  And let me tell you...we get around quite well thank you.

Ford Motor Company comes "out".

  Ford has decided to pull ads of it's Jaguar and Land Rover vehicles from gay publications under supposed pressure from conservative Christian groups who have been boycotting the company for that very reason.  Ford officials have responded by saying that the decision was based on the fact that they were streamling the company due to it's enormous losses but would continue to advertise it's Volvo brand in those publications.  The right wing Christian groups have since ceased their boycott.

  Mr. Smarty Pants of course has a few comments on this topic.

1. Here is a company whose sales sucked so much of late that they plan to lay off 30,000 workers and close 10 plants.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that they're being anally fixated on gas guzzling, obnoxious dinosaurs.  Bye the way....the bible thumpers are ok with the layoffs it seems.
2. Gay consumers are good consumers so basically going by Ford's strategy they seem to be trying to fail intentionally in a purely economic sense.  However...this is the Ford Motor Company.  Founded by union busting, anti-semite racist Henry Ford.  A man who made large contributions to Adolf Hitlers campaign almost twenty years before he assumed power.  Adolf even sent Henry a nice gift. Sorry but Mr. Smarty Pants can be a bit venomous when such "esteemed" companies show their colors.
3. No self respecting gay man or woman would be caught dead driving a Volvo.  Hellooooo.....!!!

Gay consumers are some of the best consumers.  More importantly they are good Americans and should be treated as such.  Hell....if i weren't straight and married i'd change my sex and become a gay woman.

Balk like an Egyptian......

  In Egypt violence broke out when police banned supporters of the "Muslim Brotherhood" party from participating in paliamentary elections.  Something to do with current President Mubarak's fear of this conservative group's growing support.

Now...Mr. Smarty Pants is no political science major....and no fan of "conservative Muslim" organizations but;  Isn't Egypt trying to be democratic..?  Do democracies ban people from voting..??  I think not. 

Oh wait....

It happened here.  Doh! 

Forget what i was saying.

It's beginning to look a lot like _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.....

  On the lighter side there was a bit of an amusing story in the news.  Apparently conservatives are a bit up in arms about the official White House Christmas cards being sent out.  the cards themselves say "Happy Holidays" and make no mention of Christmas. 

  Some conservatives were offended enough to throw out their cards while Christian and Catholic groups chimed in with their own dissent. William Donahue president and loud-mouth jerkoff of the Catholic league said "this clearly demonstrates that the Bush administration has suffered a loss of will and have capitulated to the worst elements in our culture".  And on CNN he was quoted saying "I thought bush was one of us...but he's not."

William, william, william......Bush is an asshole.  So he is in fact one of you.  Trouble is you all look alike after a while and can't tell each other apart.

Mr. Smarty Pants likes Christmas as a holiday.  What i hate has been the commercialization of it.  But this is nothing new.  Let those who celebrate it do so freely.  We'll all get our turn.  When "Insufferable loser with a meaningless and parasitic life" day comes around...i'll let you celebrate without protest.

Mr. Smarty Pants promises.

Pearl Harbor Day.

  Never forget the sacrifices of our Veterans.

  In all their forms... 

About Face and other topics.

  Mr. Smarty Pants has a dilemma.  Good God no...it has nothing to do with marriage.  Marriage is quite good actually.  The issue is more of a personal one.  Mr. Smarty Pants has become quite stagnant.  Unmotivated and complacent.  Feeling more and more like a tiny cog in a great machine.  I want to be a bigger cog.  Guys with small cogs usually suffer from some form of inferiority complex.  Some of those who notice their small cogs try to overcompensate for it in some manner.  Others tend to live in denial of the fact until something occurs to make them realize and fully appreciate the misery of being a small cog.  I want a bigger cog.

  Anyway...just wanted to share.

#3.

  Al Queda's #3 man in Pakistan, Abu Hamza Rabia; was killed in Pakistan.  Witnesses say it was by a missile strike fom some U.S. unmanned aircraft, others say from some type of bomb.  In any case he exploded and is now in bits and pieces.  As the #3 man Ramzia was responsible for Al Queda's 401K plans as well as health benefits.  One anonymous Pentagon source Mr. Smarty Pants spoke to was quite excited about the effect Rabia's death will have on Al Queda.  "Without a retirement plan or health benefits....recruiting a suicide bomber will be that much more difficult.  If it works here...it'll work there...heh heh heh" said my Pentagon source.

  Rabia's remains were gathered and placed in an Altoids tin and then paraded through the streets by throngs of his supporters heralding his "curiously strong" demise.

About Face.

  No one knows more about being two faced than the French.  So sure enough they've figured on how to transplant faces.  The first success story (thusfar) being of a 38 year old woman whose face was mauled by her own dog when she had apparently overdosed on sleeping pills (intentionally) and apparently her dog was trying to revive her.  The dog was destroyed (of course.)  This woman recieved the nose, face and chin of another 38 year old her hung herself and turned out brain dead.

  So basically two women wanted to die, one did.  Dog tries to help it's master...in only a way that a dog can...it's put to death.  One suicidal woman receives the face of another more capable suicidal woman and a miracle ensues.

  Wow.  What a pleasant story.  Vive la France.  Hey...umm what happens to the brain dead girl..??  Is she like lying there for spare parts...with umm half a face..?

Finally...Mr. Smarty pants see's a business opportunity that won't cost you an arm or a leg.  Just a face.

  If Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise or maybe even Kevin Federline hang themselves....will someone e-mail Mr. Smarty Pants..?

Hello from Sunni Iraq...

  Ten Marines killed by an I.E.D. in the area of Fallujah, Iraq all while the Bush administration continues to claim that progress is being made in the war.  Insurgent attacks become more coordinated and bold and the president tells us that things are under control.

Why are his pants not burning..???

Sometimes i feel like Chicken Little in a deep fryer.  Don't you..??

Why Dick Cheney is a Sith Lord...The "Exit Strategy" and other myths.

Sith Lord.

  And you know he is.  The similarities in appearance and behavior are difficult to ignore.  In Star Wars Episode 3, Palpatine used fear to bring him into power and lead the people to war under false pretense to fight insurgents that threatened the freedom and very existance of the Federation.  By the time the general public came to realize how they were manipulated by Palpatine it was too late.  He was already too powerful and destroyed anyone who stood against him.  Who was Palpatine's front man..??  Darth Vader of course.  ie-George Bush.  Though personally Mr. Smarty Pants believes Darth would have made a better president and gotten us into less trouble.  but anyway...where was i...ahh yes.  Cheney is a Sith Lord.  Another similarity between Cheney and Palpatine is that they are both bald and believe in torture.

  Just one of these commonalities shared between them might be seen as a coincedence.  But thusfar Mr. Smarty Pants has listed about three.  We already know that both of them draw their power from The Dark Side of the Force.  And even though Dick doesn't have energy bolts that shoot forth from his fingers to destroy his enemies...legend has it his breath could stop an Abrams tank.  In fact i quoted one army tank commander as saying "if we could bottle it; we would be violating U.N. WMD treaties".

  So.  Is Dick Cheney a Sith Lord..??    Is the Pope Catholic..??  Well is he..??  The Pope i mean.

The "Exit Strategy".

Pictured to the left is a copy of the original "Exit Strategy" our president came up with while he was in Asia trying to put out the fire on his ass.  Mr. Smarty Pants obtained it from one of his sources in the Pentagon.  The document is obviously a rough draft but even a novice would notice that there is no timetable, specific numbers....nothing.  An idiot with a box of crayons could come up with something better but instead we've got....Oh.  Nevermind.

Now....after the Sunday Pundits all spoke about how Bush could redeem himself a little if he laid out a series of press conferences explaining what is going on in Iraq, with maps, real numbers all in real time.  So what is the president doing..??  He's decided to hold a series of press conferences to explain in allowable detail what's going on in Iraq with timetables, numbers, and anything else he and his fiction writers could come up with.

  Now...Mr. Smarty Pants has a good idea of what would happen if the U.S. were to just "pull out" of Iraq.  Chaos and civil war.  A nation left worse off than when we got there.  "if you break it...you buy it".

Yup.  We broke it alright.

Mr. Smarty Pants believes there will be no simple exit strategy.  To leave that place in chaos would make it a total travesty.  There is no "easy" answer.  But one thing is for sure...whatever happens over there, trickles over here.  And if it was an idiot who got you into a bad situation...why would you allow that same idiot to try and get you out of it..?

Imagine.  If Kerry was president right now people to the right and left, muslim, catholic and jew would all unite....and tell him to shut up already.  But no.  We have Bush.

Wanna see his exit strategy..??  Why here it is...

Is Yoplait yogurt encouraging women to shun men while developing a nurturing same sex relationships..??

  Well i guess this isn't even news.  A while back Clairol ran a series of commercials where women who used Herbal Essences shampoo would basically experience orgasms while using the product in the shower.  Needless to say there are quite a few men who would show interest in any product that would elicit such a powerful response to shampoo.  But a commercial geared towards men never came out.  Mr. Smarty Pants imagined a male version of the commercial where a man shampooing in the shower suddenly climaxes.  It seemed a bit...ummm... freaky.  But men do shampoo.  And the same applies to yogurt. 

  For a while now Yoplait has been running a series of yogurt commercials featuring only women enjoying enhanced sensory stimulation and light delusions while in each others company and enjoying Yoplait.  Occasionally the dialogue in the commercials are subtlely dismissive of men with lines that when deciphered read something like this:

  "thanks to yoplait...i can revel in the company of my girlfriends in a world where men are worn as an accessory". Usually followed by "teehee and giggle giggle"

Oh really.  And ironically Mr. Smarty Pants is a regular consumer of Yoplait.  Which might explain my occasional moment of self hatred and use of flowery scented colognes.  There is also irritability but that's due to Mr. Smarty Pants lactose intolerance yet love of dairy products.

A conundrumunumunum.

In Puerto Rico....not everybody dances.

  Mr. Smarty Pants is Puerto Rican.  I have been there a few times in my life though not as often as most Puerto Ricans fow whom it's like Mecca.  But the commercials i always see depict something that is not completely true.  Case in point:

  A Non-Puerto Rican friend once confronted me with the question: "Is it true that in Puerto Rico people don't walk but instead dance everywhere they go..??"

  Mr. Smarty Pants' answer:  "No.  this is only the case in Old San Juan where by law resident Puerto Ricans have to dance to get around in order to boost tourism.  the rest of the island is only required to dance on thursday evenings between 7 and 8 pm."  That's usually when the commercials are filmed.

  Question: "Why did you (Mr. Smarty Pants) choose to leave such a beautiful place to live in NYC..??"

  Mr. Smarty Pants' answer:  "I never chose to leave.  But i was a terrible dancer. Word of my terrible dance skills reached the Merenguestapo.  I was forced to flee the island with only the clothes on my back, five pieces of luggage, my pet rock, a duffel bag filled with produce and a case of Bacardi Black.  the rest of my family brought their own luggage."

  So my family made a new life here.  I was the only one amongst them that could not dance though.  At parties when people would ask my mom why i couldn't dance she would say "it's the polio."  Usually they would respond with something like: "but he walks ok..." to which she would say..."it's the dance polio.  when he dances..it strikes".

And if you ever watched Mr. Smarty Pants dance...you would believe it.

The Silence of the Lambs.

Black Friday:

  The day the masses wake before dawn.  In the darkness they will prepare themselves with polished new store credit cards, store circulars, sensible shoes, map of the shopping center and portable gps systems. They will lurk outside the doors of Macy's, Best Buy and Circuit City and at dawn....they will strike.  The staff at the stores usually wear body armor on Black Friday but even that will offer minimal protection as the hordes come through the unlocked doors like the Huns of legend.

  I on the other hand will be at work at the hospital on Black Friday.  Probably treating some of those injured during the "Battle for the Plasma Screen" and the "Assault on IPod Island".  Not to mention the search for the Holy X-Box.  But Mr. Smarty Pants won't even go there.

  Thanksgiving itself was a warm experience.  Dr. Pookie, Dusty and myself drove out to Queens to my grandma's house for dinner with the family.  There alone was the greatest reason to give thanks. The wonderful family i've been blessed to have. That and the fact that I wasn't born in France.  Two good reasons to be thankful.  There are quite a few more but Mr. Smarty Pants chooses to take them for granted right now.  And why on earth would you even bother reading this if it was all about "warm and fuzzy" feelings and stuff.  Boring.

  Exactly.

  So...What's been going on with Mr. Smarty Pants? you may ask...I have been slacking of late.  The transition from our honeymoon out west has been a bit difficult for me.  Not the jet lag.  I'm over that.  but NYC seems like a cold grey place now.  Overhyped, overpriced and uninspiring.  Work on the other hand has been micro-managed, underpaid and unappreciated.  Dr. Pookie has been about the one person to keep me sane.  And the family helps with some of that too.  But in my future i like to imagine home being a place with a view of saguaro cactus and mountain framed sunsets.

sigh.

The Silence of the Lambs.

  Have you noticed how over the holiday weekend there was some form of "media" silence in regards to Iraq, and the political "Firestorm" over here..??  I mean after the whole Murtha fiasco where junior rep. from Ohio; Jean "The Mad Dog" Schmidt basically called Murtha "a pussy" never realizing that he was a decorated war veteran.  Meanwhile the president was doing his Asia tour practicing how to dodge questions in various asian languages.  Occasionally while there he would interject with some form of stupidity in regards to what was going on over here.  Imagine that jerkoff...i mean the president saying that those who felt they were decieved by him were trying to rewrite history.  He lied.  He's still lying.  He will continue to lie.  And having the dick...cheney stick his head out of the abyss to echo bush's responses is like having your testimony backed up by Lucifer.

  Anyways...congress went into recess, bush is back.  Somewhere.  Cheney is back in his crevasse and all is silent.  Relatively.  the holiday season is here and the stories have gone soft.  The war seems distant all of a sudden.  The economy seems to show hints of improvement, fuel prices are inexplicably dropping and the masses have fallen kinda silent.

  Except for Cindy Sheehan of course.  And now she's even getting on my nerves.  She's getting a monument..!!  Can you imagine ???  I can imagine a statue of Cindy Sheehan inspiring something like.....needlepoint.  Other than that she does nothing for Mr. Smarty Pants. Not very inspiring.  Kinda monotone.  Goes from state to state being arrested in demonstrations like it's a quota and has now returned to Texas.  Apparently notoriety can wear out after a while.  Take Jennifer Aniston for instance.

  No seriously.  take her.  Please.

  Ugh...Mr. Smarty Pants got a bit sidetracked.  I was talking about how silent the lambs have become.  Mesmerized by holiday commercials, thanksgiving, Christmas and the start of the new year.  Holiday cheer will spread amongst those who can afford it.  After all the masses can't be distracted at this time.  It's the celebration of consumerism.  And Uncle Sam needs the cash.  Funding a war is expensive.  Paying off the Chinese for buying our debt is expensive.  Social and health reform at home is.....not to be talked about.  At least not till the holidays are over and the new year begins and we'll be right back where we left off.

You know where that is.

High Desert Clarity

  Mr. Smarty Pants and Dr. Pookie are back from their honeymoon and i have to admit it i had a most wonderful time.  For a while there i was thinking New York had everything but i stand corrected.  Nothing like a trip outside your own comfort zone to open your mind up a bit.  My comfort zone was quite small beginning east of the Henry Hudson Parkway and north of the Battery.  It now has expanded somewhat.  And i do see advantages to life in other places across this great land.  Mr. Smarty Pants always does this when he goes away....i ask myself "could i live here..??"  And over the last few days the answer was a resounding "yes".  Something about natural beauty, wonderful weather, cheap real estate and even cheaper cigarettes that can get the adrenalin going.  And i never realized that cities didn't have to be the color "gray".  Who woulda thunk it...?  Not moi.

The Money you bring to Vegas....stays in Vegas.

  The only cheap thing your gonna find on the strip itself are cigarettes and the occasional t-shirt.  Money has a way of walking out of your pocket in Las Vegas proper.  Though while you spend time losing money on the slots some scantily clad young woman usually offers you a drink every 10 minutes (at no charge) so losing money can be quite painless.  And Mr. Smarty Pants knows nothing about gambling.  For me    "Poker" is what Colonel Mustard used to kill Miss Peacock in the library.  So Mr. Smarty Pants avoided any games where i would actually have to interact with real people....thus exposing my non-existant gambling skills.  But losing money was the least that Dr. Pookie and i did.  I in fact rented a motorbike for a day so that we could cruise up and down the strip.  This was the first time i ever actually had the courage to give her a ride on the back of a motorbike...and of all places the Las Vegas strip.  There are no helmet laws in Nevada and being that Dr. Pookie has a brain i insisted that she wear one where as my cranium consists of solid bone...through and through.

  On our first day we met Verne Troyer at the airport and on our last day we met Elvis at IHOP ( 'cept this one was carrying a holstered semi-automatic sidearm.)  And in between we stayed at the Luxor and hit pretty much every major casino on the strip stopping occasionally to rest at a slot machine and lose a little money.

  One day we drove out to the Hoover Dam and took the guided tour.  I'm a sucker for guided tours and this one was actually pretty interesting.  Truly an amazing feat to create something so enormous at such a time with such little margin for error.  Awe inspiring it was.

  Vegas was fun.  And compared to New York City it's still pretty affordable but the grass is always greener on the other side. As it turns out "locals" on the news are complaining about the constantly rising rents and home prices.  But really...can you get a condo here for $150,000...?  And no state sales tax..??  I don't think so.

  Addendum:  Interesting note:  Lots of the homeless alcoholics are seen in the morning nursing the abandoned drinks left over from the night before.  And there are a lot of drinks.  Great place to live if your homeless and a boozer.  Food for thought.

The Grand Canyon...

  Yes i know...i don't get around too much.  But once in your life you must visit the Grand Canyon.  Dr. Pookie and I drove from Vegas to the Grand Canyon and arrived just before sunset.  We dropped our bags off at a lodge we had rented for a couple of days and then ran off to the El Tovar lodge for my first look at this enormous wonder of nature.  Mr. Smarty Pants first reaction at seeing the Grand Canyon was something to the effect of "Holy Shit..!!"  Maybe not the best words but at the time they seemed quite appropriate.  Having existed in the narrow and cramped confines of the city Mr. Smarty Pants was dumbfounded at the enormity and beauty of the place.  At one point you could drop the Island of manhattan into it...sideways..and still have to look down to see it.  Can you imagine..??  Dr. Pookie bought the book on deaths that have occurred at the Grand Canyon...quite a few of which were caused by tourists trying to get a nice photo.  Thankfully i didn't read it till i had gotten all of mine.  Still...being someone who is a bit leery of heights...the beauty of the place actually diminished this fear.

  And at night...countless stars were to be seen.  More than i had ever seen in my life.  And they were always there too.  But they hide from you in the city.  Either that or your hiding from someone.  The Grand Canyon was the only place where i had no cell phone reception.  The Network was absent. I guess it seemed appropriate in a way as the place itself seemed disconnected from anything i was used to knowing.  And Mr. Smarty Pants didn't mind too much either.  Here we met no celebrities but we did have a family of Elk hanging out by the lodges parking area one night.  And there was this Raven that liked stealing my french fries though i didn't mind too much.

Sedona, AZ.

  Now talk about beautiful....Paradise in the high desert.  This town charmed the Pants off 'ol Smarty.  The beautiful red rock formations were right there in your face.  Dr. Pookie and I went to the Chapel on the Rocks.  One of the most beautiful places i had ever seen.  Made me feel like going to church again.  The location and design of this chapel was just flawless.  Mr. Smarty pants is running out of adjectives to describe the experience.  Suffice it to say i hated leaving the place.

  We left the hotel in Sedona before dawn in order to make our flight home in Phoenix.  We drove through the desert as the sun was coming up.  We needed gas for the car and saw an exit called "Big Bug Lake".  We hastily skipped this exit and headed for another.  I had never seen cactus outside of a clay pot.  Here they were just part of the landscape.

  Ahh....melancholy....

  Now Dr. Pookie and I are home.  I am currently going through "re-toxification".  A term used to describe the re-adjustment process to being back in NYC.  Cold air, the smells of urine and bus exhaust, garbage, parking meters, and terror alerts.  And so much more.

  Dr. Pookie and i did watch local and national news wherever we were.  The local news seemed funny.  Almost trivial by NYC standards.  Except in Vegas of course.  At the Grand Canyon the big story one day was a man exposing himself to a woman.  Described as a male hispanic wearing spandex pants.  That should be easy enough to locate.  Or i would hope.  I was the only Hispanic i saw at the canyon...and my spandex days ended after the movie "Fame".  The other people at the lodge who i thought may be hispanic were actually Navajo.

Live and learn.

  But Dr. Pookie and Mr. Smarty Pants kept up with the national/international news (heh) as best we could and a couple of things stood out over the last few days:

The city of lights.....

 Caused by intentionally set fires by angry youth fueled with the angers of pent up bias, racism, poverty...etc.  This is a very old formula.  The same thing always happens when things reach a crescendo.  And it happened again.  Thankfully it was in France.  A place that should clean it's own house before advising others on how to do theirs.  Yes Mr. Smarty Pants may have the french opinion in common in how we dislike Mr. Bush.  But that's like disliking stepping barefoot on shit.  We may both dislike it but it sure as hell doesn't make us buddies.  in fact it makes Mr. Smarty Pants feel like leaving a large BM in their paths. For added measure.

  I'm sorry....Mr. Smarty Pants doesn't dislike France....just most of it's people is all.

Remember that song "Burn baby burn..!! Disco inferno..!!"  So do i.
And i can almost guess that GEICO isn't planning to expand to Paris anytime soon.

Speaking of fires...

The Burning Bush...

 Bush did a speach at the Tobyhanna Army Depot in Pennsylvania defending his lies while in a friendly audience.  He said his usual stupid things about how his administration did not mislead us and how both our own government and allies believed that Saddam possessed WMD's, was involved in Al Queda, and failed to heed mulitle U.N. sanctions.  That such accusations by Democrats and anti-war activists were baseless.

Huh..??  What..??  You dick..!!  You lied..!!!

With a 36% approval rating at that.  The only one with less of an approval rating is Karl Rove.  I'm surprised he even has an approval rating.  But the demons in hell shouldn't count anyways.  And i trust Rove like i trust a lesion in my ass.

Intelligent Design.

  If Pat Robertson supports it then suffice it to say it has nothing to do with the title.  If God him/Herself created us then the intelligent part would have to be scratched off and replaced with the word "prototype".
  What the fuck is going on..??
Does anyone associate Pat Robertson with intelligent design..??  Mr. Smarty Pants doesn't.  And as you know i'm Catholic.  We're prone to fuckup. But we have our moments.  But anyway where was i......ahh yes. Intelligent design.  This is something to be applied to some feat of engineering like a super computer or a fuel efficient car.  But we flatter ourselves if we base our existance on intelligent design.
  We Humans are the most destructive, exploitative, ruthless rapists of the mother earth.  We ruin the planets well being, use up it's resources, drive races into extinction and in the meantime war with and kill each other and we are products of intelligent design..?? 

Why..??

Because we build neat stuff..??  Well so do Ants.  Take a number.

  Hey Pat...i asked god to strike you with lightening every chance he gets.

If he doesn't....once again proof of the falsehood of intelligent design.  Must be in the genes.

Yitzhak Rabin:

 Here is a hero.  Any peacemaker is a hero.  Any peacemaker who dies is a true martyr.  Jihadists can bite Mr. Smarty Pants. And so can the extremist who killed him.  One of many small headed disillusioned jerkoffs that roam the earth and make up the human majority.  Funny how in so many cases there is some fool that just can't stand the idea of peace and that thing called a future that so few will ever reach.

R.I.P. Mr. R.

Abu Musab-Al Zarqawi.

 What the fuck are you thinking asshole..??
His own corporate employers "Al Queda" sent him a note to chill out.
Talk about soft targets.  If he's so keen on soft targets why doesn't he place an I.E.D. in his tighty whities..??

  An anonymous reader sent me an intercepted trancript of his next act of terror.  The tape was translated into paraphrased english so it may sound a bit...um...stupid....but typical.  Apparently the whole thing takes place in a cave with a few of his buttlickers...i mean followers:

Abu:  Thank you all for attending this meeting.  The strike at the wedding was a success and soon the infidels will fear marriage.

I1 (Insurgent #1): Yes my leader a great success.  What is next in your great plans to destroy the great satan..??

Abu: Next we shall strike the ice cream parlors in the West Bank.  But not just any ice cream parlors....but the soft ice cream parlors.

I2:  but why just the soft ice cream parlors great one..??

Abu:  Hard ice cream can impede the scattering of explosive projectiles.  We need to create a large kill zone.

I3:  Why not attack the white castles then..??  their sandwiches are soft and would easily allow the passing of shrapnel..???

Abu:  I like white castles.  And their cheese fries are to jihad for.  No we shall not strike white castles.

I1:  The plan is pure genius.  You are blessed with great wisdom and foresight Abu.

Abu: This is nothing.  For christmas i have planned a scheme involving C-4 and fruitcakes.

I2:  Fruitcakes..??  Sir there must be a limit to the terror we can inflict...??

Abu: (beheads insurgent #2)  Any questions..??

I1+3:  No sir.

Abu:  Now find me the Pillsbury Doughboy.  I want him captured and videotaped as we burn him into a giant smore..!!!   Quickly..!!!

And that's how it's ended.  As Bugs would say..."What a maroon..!"

Mr. Smarty Pants will make sure to pass this on to the proper authorities.  And a word of advice.  Eat Ben & Jerry's till there's an all clear.

PS...howya like by big font eh..??